Dearest friend,
How are you? I missed the chance to meet you when you were here. Anyway, I would have been a misfit amongst you guys there. I didn't intend to embarrass myself; I would have been the odd one out.
You know I penned a few letters to you seven months ago. I had put almost all the distress that was going on with me into them. Well, I got a beautifully crafted letter (a literal one, of course) saying that I should mark the points and start acting now rather than thinking too much. Well, I still haven't found the why: the bigger reason for what I should do. You know what? I have become erratic and lazy. In the last two months I have screwed up badly. All my efforts were in vain; I am back in the position I was in. I wasted your efforts too. You took time to explain things to me, and I failed yet again to use it well.
Sure, things have changed from worse to worst. All my decisions are clouded; my mind is too chaotic. But still, I want to get back on track. From being a misfit to being adaptable. One thing I always knew about myself is that I generally knew what was wrong. I wasn't left wondering; that's a relief, I hope. It will at least allow me to attempt to make myself better eventually.
But what is sad is that I am not at all good with people. Once in college, I remember, I was asking about higher studies. Frankly, you said in your opinion my survival abroad would be very difficult. Many people have put it across to me lately too, in a very blunt manner. Well, I don't even have good interpersonal skills here. People perhaps like strong and competent guys more, unlike me, who is generally submissive and easy to use. It's like I have become more of a commodity than a human being.
Why I wonder and think too much is because, even after knowing what I am not, I am procrastinating instead of achieving it. I am a fool; I have been like this forever. I don't know whether these things are going to change any time soon.
I just wanted to share it with you. There is a saying, "Life is a dream seen with open eyes." Well, I guess either I have my eyes closed to reality or I am in a fantasy.
As of now, I am wasting my precious time like it does not matter. I am sure it will have consequences.
That's all for this letter. I hope you are doing well. You will get some more letters, though :-). I wish you all the best in your endeavors; that is the least I can do for you. Keeping you in my prayers.
Love always,
Pavan